I tried posting this yesterday, but for some reason, it didn't work. So, here goes....and it looks like it worked! Yay!!

October 23, 2002

After dinner with my parents last night, one of my roommates, Tara, and I went to get frozen custard. (I couldn't wait 'til Saturday!) For those of you who are unfamiliar with frozen custard, let me enlighten you...it's basically ice cream but much richer...it's made with more cream than regular ice cream and they also add egg yolks. I tried it for the first time while I was in Wisconsin last weekend and it was so good that I decided I needed to see if there were any places out here that served it! (Oh, and Christine and Heidi, I didn't get the rumbly in my tumbly this time!)

And I found a place in Burbank called Pegadoe's and they closed at 10. Well, we got there at 9:50! Wow, it was good stuff!

Anyways, on the way back, we were talking about relationships, so on and so forth, and Tara asked me if I had ever thought about what I would name my kids. And I told her that I'm not the type to think about those things, that I tend to be a realist/pessimist/cynical about things of the future (depending on my mood).

And that got me wondering whether or not it's normal or even healthy that I don't daydream about those sorts of things (husband, marriage, children, so on and so forth). I know women who, before they even get engaged, know exactly what colors they'll have for their wedding, the bridesmaids dresses, their own bridal gown, and even children's names. Wow....

My attitude is, "I'll cross that bridge if I ever get to it."

There are so many other things going on in my life right now that occupy my thoughts that I don't have time to think about things that are non-existent in my life at this point.

I'm at a crossroads with a few things. I have to decide whether or not I want to continue to be involved in two different ministries. I've felt frustrated with both ministries because I feel like I've been dealing with a lot of fairly immature people and issues. And with one in particular, I'm in a position where I pretty much have to give up a lot of who I am in order to stay involved. Well, my inclination is, "Screw that!"

But then Cze-Chao writes me and says, "don't bail on them cuz you've had to deal with crap..or else you'll hafta deal with crap from me along with the crap from them, and you don't want that. =P you're only allowed to leave if God says leave. but yeah, take the crap... that's what being a leader is all about.. taking the crap from others, it's the price a leader's gotta pay... people will always be mature.. but as a leader you're there to guide them, to grow them, to mature them.. and if it involves lotsa crap, then so be it."

Oh, gosh, the threat of getting crap from Cze-Chao is enough to make me sit tight. Hahahahaha =) Just kidding.

How is it that a girl who is like, 8 years younger than me, has so much wisdom about her? =) My friendship with Cze-Chao is amazing. As I mentioned, she?s 8 years younger than me but we are such kindred spirits. I think it's got something to do with the whole first-born-who-is-female-of-an-immigrant-family thing. I tell ya, we're all cut from the same cloth. I could name plenty of second generation Asian American women who are first borns in their family with whom I share far too much in common. Hahah =) (You know who you are!)

What is God telling me about these ministries? Well, I don't feel like He's telling me to leave TNT, at least not yet. (Although, I do often wonder, like the psalmist writes in Psalm 40, "How long, how long must I sing this song?" when it comes to singleness and being involved in TNT. There are only 3 of us left from when this ministry started.) Hahah =)

Take the crap? Oh, I so do not want to put myself in a position to keep doing that!! But, I guess it's part of the territory. It's part of the responsibility of leadership. I understand that pastors have to suck it up, but for some reason, in my head at least, I think it should be different for lay leadership. I'm sure Elijah would beg to differ. haha =)

My inclination is to say, "I don?t want that responsibility!" But, going along with the thoughts of who God made me to be that I was pondering yesterday, would it not be irresponsible of me to not use the gifts that the Lord has given me?

So, that leaves me with sucking it up and taking the crap. Grrrr.....

God, change my heart, 'cuz only You can.