Alright, here I am, 26 days after the last time I blogged.
=)

Since then, I've been to New York City for a weekend with Rita (had a great time but froze our asses off! It was like, 15 degrees there while it was in the 60s and 70s at home!), gone on a blind date (first one ever, he just called me last night and we're going to "hang out" again next week!), and had some pretty deep discussions/revelations about myself with some good friends.

My cousin's wife, Cindy (and a very good friend of mine...we've known each other for almost 13 years!), and I stayed up talking 'til 3 in the morning last Saturday night/Sunday morning, about men, relationships, so on and so forth. (You know, the usual topic for us single women!) hahahah =)

And as I was telling her about some stuff that has happened in the past few weeks, she said to me something like, "Jane, has it occurred to you that the reason you're still single is because of you?" And I'm sitting there going, "Huh?" like a ton of bricks had just hit me!

She basically pointed out to me that because I haven't been able to interpret the clues and hints that guys drop about being interested in me, I'm still single. I'm the first to admit that I am totally clueless when it comes to these things, but is it a cluelessness that I choose into because it's too scary to clue into these things because of what could possibly happen?

You know how you can come to realizations about something but not fully grasp that realization until later? I'd always known that I'm very fearful when it comes to matters of the heart and romantic relationships because I'm so scared of getting my heart broken, and I know that the ways I operate and interact with men are directly a result of that fear. But, because I'm so afraid of getting my heart broken, because I have some deep-seated need to protect myself, I don't allow anyone in, which means I can't get hurt, but at the same time, I also prevent myself from putting myself in situations where experiencing a love and relationship that could be really deep and real is even a possibility. (Okay, that's totally a run-on sentence....) =)

Anyways, so, I'm realizing that there's a lot that I have to still deal with. One of my friends put it to me this way: Jane, if you don't deal with these issues, you'll still be single at the age of 40. Ack! No, no no!!!! I so don't want that!!!

But, dealing with these issues means tackling some pretty hard things that I've struggled with for many years. I realized that I don't see myself as others do. Namely, even though I've been at my weight goal and in a size 5/6 for almost 2 years, there are times (many times, I admit) that I still don't feel pretty or attractive. Some people who just meet me may think I'm like, off my rocker, but if you know that for the majority of my life, let's say 26 of 29 years, I've always believed that I was fat, overweight, and that no guy would want to be with me because I was fat and overweight (a lot of crap was fed to me when I was younger), then you'll begin to understand why, after 2 years of people telling me that I'm pretty and attractive, I still have a hard time believing that I am.

But, it's that self-fulfilling prophecy realization that I came to in '95 after I'd gradauted from college. I remember very distinctly when I had that conversation. I was living at my parents' house and was on the phone with my good friend, Christine, who was going to school at U of I at Champaign-Urbana (or as Heidi calls it, Chambana) haha =), and as we were on the phone, I realized that I had believed that I wasn't attractive and because that's what I believed of myself, I communicated that non-verbally through my body language to others, and so because I believed that, it became true...no one did find me attractive.

And here I am, almost seven and a half years later, realizing that I still kinda believe that. And it's gonna be work for me to break out of the "Fat Girl syndrome" that I've suffered with for so many years.

So, I'm really struggling with all of this. It's not that I am wanting to get affirmation left and right of my attractiveness or beauty, or whatever you want to call it. It's going to take time for me to fully internalize it.

I think something else that I'm realizing I need to embrace is femininity. I think that because I would rail against it, growing up, whenever my mom would try to get me to be more feminine, I still carry remnants of that. I am, by no means, a girly-girl. (You should see my friend, Rita! Wow...talk about the complete opposite of me!) There's definitely a lot I have to learn about being a woman.

So, in some ways, it's like I'm going through yet another identity crisis. It seems to be a cycle that I keep going through. First, it was in college that I was seeking to find out who I am as an Asian American Christian woman and I felt like I had it all figured out. Then, I moved home after college and started attending what my parents call my "American" church where I was virtually the only Asian American and it was like having a mirror held up to my face and I was looking at myself for the first time. I realized that it was a totally different experience in terms of trying to figure out my identity because there I was, in the midst of all these "round eyes" =), whereas in college, I was doing all this soul-searching amongst many other Asian Americans.

And now, I'm having to figure out who I am, as a woman. That's one side of me that I haven't really paid much attention to, probably because I'm scared of what it would mean if I were to fully embrace being a woman because of whatever notions I have of what it means to be a woman (i.e., weak, soft, stuff like that, the "lesser" or "weaker" sex).

*sigh*

Lots to chew on.....